Warning: this is a Ramble/rant. If you recognize something that you said please know that I simply used examples as they came to mind. If I used an example of something you said to me, you are loved. :) Also this was written on a rant, mostly to myself, and I am choosing to edit it very little. The progression you see is my thought progression... Sorry if it doesn't make any sense. :)
All my life people have talked about me and relationships in a way that seems foreign to me. They talk about me like I have no control over things. Like I will be just like the majority of the population and I, foolishly, listen. I've heard a lot of things over the years. Everything from being called cold-hearted to "encouragement" to hold out because, since I've been single for so long, when a relationship happens it will be perfect. What I haven't heard is anyone ask. How do I feel about relationships? Am I okay being single?
To back up a bit, I am the worst person on the planet to give relationship advice. I have never been in a relationship, as you probably know if you are reading this. I am a 24 year old home-schooled girl/woman who has never been asked out (Carlos doesn't count people, really!), never been kissed, and always promised the dream that "someday, some great guy will come along". I'm beginning to think that promise is Bologna.
What really gets me is, I was okay with it! Pre-college, I never had even long-term crushes. I think the longest was a week, at which time I told my sister and she lovingly told me I should drop it. I seem to remember her exact words being "You guys would kill each other". So why the change? Why is it now I cry at happy endings? Sometimes I stop movies at the pre- I-love-you-so-much-I-can't-live-without-you break-up! Then I don't cry. It's when they get together, look lovingly into each other's eyes, and laugh/giggle/smile. That's when I cry. Why? Because I've never had it? It didn't used to matter.
People keep telling me he's out there. The man for me. The one that will irrationally fall for me and somehow be able to put up with me. The one who won't kill me and I won't kill him. The one that can put up with my crazy. I want everyone to take a moment to consider: Maybe he's not. Maybe that isn't God's plan for me. Why do you want me to want it? I do want it, but I didn't used to. Maybe he is out there; that amazingly tolerant and slightly crazy man. But maybe he isn't.
I want to stop wanting him. I want to want God instead. I want my identity wrapped up in what God wants for me and not what people think I need. I've looked for a man, like I thought maybe I should. I've not suffered the rejection some girls have faced, but I have been hurt. I can't believe God wants me to be hurting, bitter, and resentful, so it is time to stop.
It is time to stop looking for a man and look for God. It is time to stop pursuing what people think I need and pursue what God has for me. I will stumble. I may fall. But I ask that people understand my reasons for trying. I ask that instead of pointing me to a relationship, people point me to God. If I crack jokes about being the personification of the forever alone meme, it is not the time to assure me a man is out there. It is the time to give me a hug and point me to God. I am never alone when I am with Him.
He may not have a current body of flesh, but I have found the One that loves me and is able to put up with me. The One who won't kill me, but died for me instead. The One who puts up with my crazy. Maybe an "in the flesh" version of that doesn't exist for me. But God has accepted me and told me He loves me. Please, friends and family, point me to Jesus instead of the shadow of a potential future. And please, everyone else, comfort your single friends with Him. Let's change the way single Christian women see their relationship status.
Thank you.
